…BUT TOUGH PEOPLE DO!

“You grow inside me little heart beating strong

though I had my doubts I now know it's not wrong
You weren't planned but now I know

how much you are wanted as each day you grow
I pray for your health I ask God each day

to let you be healthy in every way
You aren't an accident you're not a mistake

you're the best of surprises two people could make!”

Not a soul told me what pregnancy would bring. It brought all these unexplainable emotions and mood swings. I couldn’t forget one time when I was salivating and was badly craving to have a taste of a ripe mango. So I asked Reiner to buy me a mango from the market fast. After an hour, he came back with an iced drop,
“Mangoes are really expensive now, this is all I could afford...mango flavored iced drop.”
I wanted to cry.

I had never felt immensely large in my life because I was always skinny. I felt so insecure as I grew bigger every month, though the staff in Auntie Mely’s clinic would tell me that I was one of the sexiest pregnant women she had seen in the hospital.

Towards the last two months of my pregnancy all I wanted to do was have this baby because I had had enough of being so big, so uncomfortable, breathless (after only walking 5 paces), tired of getting leg cramps in the middle of the night and heartburn.

I was in my 38th week of pregnancy, and I was very tired and fed up with being expectant.
For 38 weeks, I had not lifted, run, hopped, climbed, had sex, or even sneezed without being told it was bad for the baby.

For 38 weeks I had not been able to have a single emotion besides happiness, without being told it was bad for the baby.

My hips looked like a freeway, zigzagged with on and off ramps, my breasts were reaching for my belly button, my nipples were the size of my fists, this stomach was slowly being stretched so that the expressway on my hips will soon join my belly, but I was told that was good for the baby.

I had nightmares of an alien coming out from my stomach just as graphic and explicit as we see it in sickening horror movies. Maren Rae was very energetic even as a fetus.

I had waddled around like a duck for 38 weeks, sat down like a chicken on an egg, and sweated like a pig no matter what the temperature, all of which were very considerate of the baby. I was really very tired and fed up with being pregnant. This new development did not only freak me out, but had Reiner on edge, wondering when this was going to become a REAL baby. Maren Rae was not bothered a bit, for I was told she would come out when she was ready. Because, you see, this was all good for the baby.

I felt like a five year old, wondering when I, the mommy, would feel good about myself again.
Although it sounds all negative, it was not.

Reiner stood beside me all along. We would go to Auntie Mely regularly for my check-ups. We did an ultrasound. The greatest moment was seeing the first scan and realizing that I did have this little life inside me, hearing the first heartbeat and feeling the first movements.

And there, on the black and white monitor, was Maren Rae. Or at least, it was the gestational sack that Maren Rae was growing in. I didn't know back then, that it was our Maren Rae, but there she was. I was 5 1/2 weeks pregnant. We could see the heart beating. It is, and was, the single, most awesome moment of all my years on Earth.

And at the end of it all, the wonderful joy of seeing our baby being born was beyond compare.
Reiner was there beside me all along amidst his struggle to pass his subjects in U.P. My family came to the hospital despite the 10-hour travel by bus from our province. Cleng with Romuel didn’t miss this day too. And of course, Auntie Mely took care of everything even though she was scheduled for an out-of-town trip that day. These were the people who shared with us this very out of the ordinary day.

Labor was good for me. Shedding this extra 50 pounds was good for me. Being able to roll over in bed without a 15-minute trip to the bathroom at night, every hour on the hour, was good for me. And not to forget the time it took to be able to hoist myself out of bed, and then finding a comfortable position again, was good for me. Holding my newborn infant daughter was good for me. Memorizing my new baby’s every feature, touching her soft baby skin, smelling her special smell, was so good for me. Knowing I did everything I could to bring this perfect little girl into our world was good for me. Seeing my husband's face when he would hold his first baby in his arms initially was so good for me.

So life is full of surprises. And these whole new experiences are good for me! Life is good and having a baby around is never boring.

“TOUGH TIMES NEVER LAST”…

The one battle
Most people lose
Is the battle
Over the fear of failure…
Failure doesn’t mean
God has abandoned you
It does mean
God has a better idea.
-ROBERT SCHULLER-

We found an undersized, unventilated, filthy room at the basement of a huge mansion at Camaro Street, Fairview, Quezon City. It was the residence of a certain Judge Lazaro, which was converted to a boarding house after he departed. There was a swimming pool, a cool garden, full-sized dining and living room. Though the amenities were communal, we thought they were perfect! This was our “first home” as a couple.

With hardly any belongings, we fixed our small room to the finest that we could. We got an award that Christmas for decorating our room creatively with recycled materials. A comment from the landlady went like “…they made something out of nothing”… well of course, what else could we do? We really had nothing.

Our first Christmas Eve together was celebrated simply but with genuine happiness in our hearts. I prepared roasted chicken (not turkey), two boiled large potatoes (each for us) and a bottle of Coke (not wine). That was all that we could afford. Nevertheless, we made the occasion extraordinary by having candle light dinner at the garden, sheltered by the bright full moon and the millions of brilliantly twinkling stars. That was one of the best Christmas Eves in my life.

We were so proud of our crampy space that we eagerly showed it to our few guests who came to check on us.

Parental instinct. No matter how much we tried to hide from my parents because of embarrassment, they searched for us and offered help. I was so shocked when one day my whole family came knocking at our door.

They talked to Reiner, because they knew how stubborn their daughter was. But it wasn’t being stubborn but being independent that we declined their offer for financial support. I admired Reiner more that ever for doing that.

Even so, they still showed their support, not monetarily. Their monthly visits told us that they would always be there for us through thick and thin. Reiner didn’t even try to fit in anymore, because he was whole-heartedly accepted as a family member without hesitation.

My family would visit us every month when they would bring sumptuous meal for all of us to share. We would have our simple picnic at the garden while swimming at the pool. Sometimes they would bring Reiner and I out for dinner.

Both of us would always look forward to the day that my family would drop by…”so we could eat good food again”.

Where were Reiner’s folks?

Well, his Mom never showed up during the times that we needed help. Though she knew all along where we were staying. We heard stories from relatives and friends that she wanted Reiner shoot-to-kill for stealing the car and some $200 from her, and that she wished for us never to succeed. How could a parent do something like that to her son? I had no idea!

Reiner would always tell me, “If only Pop’s well, he would be helping us, we wouldn’t have to go through all these hardships.” His father was a very brilliant lawyer during his best days. He was a good provider, a generous patron, and a good friend to his sons, as told by Reiner. Unlucky me, I met his Pop already a stroke patient.

Several of his relatives would drop by.

One from the U.S. but I never met him at that time; he came very briefly one night with Rolf. Another cousin of his who was also residing in Fairview came to tell Reiner his Mom’s message that he should leave his pregnant wife, go back to Pag-asa and help out in the house.

But his brother Rolf was ever supportive to us during our period of depression. Without If’s or But’s he would extend help to Reiner. I always knew that it was easier said than done for Reiner because he was still enrolled as an undergraduate student in U.P., and had no job.

Another guest was one of Reiner’s fraternity brods who was a neighbor.
“Are you sure you don’t want to transfer to another place?” the brod remarked.
“This is all that we could afford, what do you think of our place?” replied Reiner.
“ With the amount that you’re paying here, P4,000.00, you can get a better place”.
That conversation didn’t really bother us that time, but eventually we realized that our plight in that filthy, unventilated, unlighted, suffocating room was so pathetic! To top it all, we later realized that we couldn’t stand dealing any longer with the rude, abusive daughter of the landlady.

After five months, we transferred to a neighboring boarding house in the same street in Fairview. It was an underdeveloped single detached studio house, inside the compound of the landlord. We took over the tenant who was evicted for not paying the rent. We had the privacy of our own space this time.

The former tenants of our “second home” were starting a small preschool business but were not doing well at it. It was a perfect opportunity for me to put into practice what I have learned with the degree that I finished in College, which was in Preschool Teaching and Administration. Reiner and I conceptualized our business venture. That summer of 1998 we started getting students for FUNSHINE TUTORIAL CENTER.

Because of my pregnancy, later on, it was becoming difficult for me to move around and teach special children who came to me for tutorials. A sorority sister, Cleng, who I sponsored when she was a neophyte, offered her services for a very minimal fee. She was a big help and became my constant companion at home while Reiner was attending classes in U.P.

Reiner proved his prowess in writing short stories during this time. He would write every single day and until late at night when he was at home. He was able to write suspense/thriller novels and short stories and publish them in pocket books and major magazines in the country. I guess he acquired his creativity and skill in writing stories from reading Stephen King’s novels and playing Dungeons and Dragons for decades.

Luckily, the landlord agreed for us to have an extension to their landline phone. I was able to keep in touch with my relatives and friends more often especially with Tetet, my best friend in High school. Like me, she got married too at early twenties and was pregnant with her eldest during that time. I couldn’t forget my conversation with her one night.

“ The baby is kicking now, we’re excited. How are you?” she said.
“ We’re fine, very independent” It was too humiliating for me to declare that we were hard up. Lucky her, they were fully supported by the parents of her husband.
The conversation went on filled with reminisces about our high school days and news about our batch mates. Just then her husband called her.
“I have to go, this baby is making me so hungry at this time of the night, we’ll just drive quickly to Burger Machine” she hung up.

Burger Machine is a cheap fast food 24 hours open. But why couldn’t we afford it if it was a “cheap fast food”? Mc Donald’s for us was like a dream that was impossible to reach. I was so envious with Tetet, she could eat whenever she needed in just a snap! I needed nourishment just like her. I was so hungry too. I told Reiner…
“I’m hungry sweetie…this baby is making me hungry at this time of the night”.
“Just go to sleep, you won’t feel anything anymore when you’re sleeping”.

We were living off from paycheck-to-paycheck. Literally, we were living below the poverty line. We had no idea how we were going to survive the next day. Thanks to Auntie Mely, who in due course became my OBY GYN and took care of me for free even after I gave birth. At least we were assured that our baby was going to be healthy.

RUNAWAY

Lord,
Give me the guidance to know
When to hold on
And when to let go
And the grace
To make the right decision
With dignity.

-anonymous-

We were so in love that we simply couldn’t stand being apart any longer. But his Mom didn’t give a damn about our wishes. As far as we were concerned, none of us were breaking the law anymore because we were both over eighteen (23 to be exact). But his “Mom’s Law” was another law.

During the planning stage we only talked about our runaway when we were together. It was easier to communicate with him personally; it greatly reduced the possibility that someone would be listening in. Also, during those days, a landline or a celphone was never around in my boardinghouse. We never dared to let any more people in on the situation than was absolutely necessary. I vaguely remember if Randall knew about our planned escape.

Eventually, our friends learned that I was pregnant and were asking what were we planning to do. Since lying was a dangerous game to play, whenever possible we never answered people's questions. We did all the precautions that we could think of because Reiner’s Mom might just do some clever investigation. She’s gifted with the spider’s sense and is “somewhat” trained to pick up on inconsistencies in people's stories. And if we were caught, the least that could’ve happened to us was that we wouldn’t be in each other’s arms anymore.

Depending on the exact circumstances of our situation, the greatest threat to our wishes was his Mom, or the fuzz. We never underestimated her Mom’s madness! As Reiner puts it, she can be an angel on her best days, or an evil witch on her worst days. I never wanted to see her in her most awful days again.

We knew this wasn't a game, and it was dangerous. We never did this before but somehow we had an idea of how quickly things could go bad. We went over all of our plans again, and again, and again… and made sure we had as many of the details thought out as possible.

We would everyday get our copies of BUY AND SELL Newspaper to scout for a small apartment, or a room for us to temporarily stay. We were ready to go where providence would bring us. As long as it was away from the scrutinizing people who were set to destroy us.

One morning, at 6:00 am, when he thought his Mom was sound asleep already, we daringly made our escape. With all my baggies, in a taxi, I went to his house in Pag-asa. My heart fast thumping, I threw small stones to his room’s windows, which luckily was facing the road. I had to be really careful, one false move and we could be dead meat! Reiner signaled me to be quiet from his window. Whew! At least he got the message I sent through the pebbles.

As surreptitiously as he could, he sneaked out his most essential belongings, including his car, Ecto 1. Reiner left his goodbye letter in his room, a letter that was well written to make the intended reader believe that he had no choice but to flee with the devil me. I knew for a fact that it was meant for the reader not to feel worse than the situation already was.

We drove 45 minutes going to Fairview. We didn’t have the slightest idea what this place was. We were totally strangers to the place. I heard from friends that Fairview was the haven of drug lords and drug pushers. But the last thing we needed at that moment of truth was a change of heart.

Reiner and I were like seamen in a lost ship sailing nowhere in the vast ocean. We went overwhelmingly astray!

The only treasure in our possession was our burning love for each other. Both of us were so sure that we were both dedicated to our relationship. We understood fully the dangers that we were both about to be exposed to and that we were both completely willing to take these risks to enable our relationship to go forward.

He would always tell me, “If only Pop’s well, he would be helping us, we wouldn’t have to go through all these hardships.” His father was a very brilliant lawyer during his best days. He was a good provider and a good friend to his sons, as told by Reiner. Unlucky me, I met his Pop already a stroke patient.

He told me that even if we were struggling that bad, he was more than 100% happier now than when he was in Pag-asa.

MOM

Do not weep for me, my son,
When you think of my struggles,
My sadness, my faith;
Do not remember,
When I toiled in resignation,
Trying not to dream,
The dream of fools.

- Carmen Subryan-

He told me he was bringing me to their house in Pag-asa QC that night; together we were breaking the news to his Mom. The flash back of the first time I stepped in his house occurred to me again.

One ordinary day, I was in the tambayan after class finishing my lunch while waiting for Reiner. He came with a worried face. He told me that his Mom stole his car. She had a spare key. He had totally cancelled out the possibility for real carnappers to get his car. That incident made my succeeding days extraordinary.

All these time, he hadn’t introduced me to his parents yet. I met his two brothers already, Rolf and Randall, when he would bring them along when he picked me up from my NMAT (National Medical Admission Test) Review. His relationship with his Mom was going in turmoil for quite sometime already for a reason unknown to me. I saw her once with Randall (who was then a HS student in Don Bosco) at the Tambayan looking for Reiner. Because I was the only soul she found there she asked me where she could find him. But she had no idea that I was her son’s girlfriend that she had been dying to meet. She had wanted for so long to talk to me, Reiner wouldn’t tell me why.

Now his Mom did a good move. I always left my handbag, books and lecture notes in Reiner’s car while in UP, because I had no locker then. She took everything along with the car. She wouldn’t give all my things to Reiner. She told him she would give me everything personally in her house. With all hesitations, Reiner invited me to meet his Mom for dinner in her house. I wondered why it was very important for her to talk to me.

In the jeepney on the way to her house, Reiner constantly reminded me to relax, not to worry and to keep it cool. He would tell me a joke from time to time telling me it would loosen my tension. I wanted to tell him that he was projecting. I was totally composed and settled down, while he was obviously nervous.

While we were walking towards the house, a lady walked passed through us on the other side of the street and banged the gate of the house right in front of us as she was going inside.
Reiner said, “Err…Well, that’s my house there, and that was my Mom”.
I said to myself, “Whew! This is not going to be easy as I thought it would be”.
The house was quiet, dark, dusty, and eerie. The motif of the house was old wood, which gave a gloomy feeling. Then heavy footsteps came running down the stairs,
“Reiner, bring the betamax and the TV at the shop right now. They need to be fixed. Bring Randall with you.”

His Mom was exactly the same lady who inquired about Reiner at the Tambayan in UP. There was no need for formal introductions anymore. And I guess the awkward situation didn’t allow it. Reiner went upstairs to get the things for repair and left with his brother.

“Oh well, one thing I’m sure, she’s not going to bite!” I was consoling myself.
She sat across, laying down Reiner’s class cards one-by-one on the round glass table. She started,
“Do you know what kind of person your boyfriend is? Do you know how he was cheating me with his report cards? He was very good in falsifying records. He got a zero passing last semester. He’s a professional liar.”

I was just nodding my head pretending to be really interested with the class cards similar to the ones I had except that I was getting good grades and never a zero passing.
And she went on telling me how lazy Reiner was in helping in the house, how dependent he was, and irresponsible in his studies. Her complaints about Reiner went on and on.

And finally, she begged me,
“You have to break it off with him, he is not ready for a relationship yet”.
So this was what it was all about. She was dying to hold a conference with me just to tell me that Reiner and I do not belong to each other.
“His life is already ruined, and he will destroy your life too.”

I was asking myself, how could a mother say those words about her son? But there was no mistake that she’s his biological mother, she’s the exact replica of Reiner’s features.

As polite as I could be, as composed as I could appear, I told her that what Reiner needed was someone to motivate him to continue with his life. Reiner’s life would be well again if someone would help him and push him to recover. And I was willing to be that person.

I remember doing an unrehearsed speech for the first time in my life. The words that came from my heart just flowed automatically. I don’t remember everything I told her anymore…but it must have been good because after my speech she smilingly invited me for dinner. She gave me all my things back. The topic of conversation was changed.

Everything was perfect from then on. I was like absolutely accepted by his family. His Mom found out that along their family tree we were related through the De Venecia clan. Former Speaker of the House of Representatives Jose de Venecia, was my grandfather’s 1st cousin, who was also Reiner’s Mom’s 2nd cousin.

Right there, as Reiner and I stood before her again, I was reliving that first time experience in her house.

She was already mad as soon as we entered the door of her house. Reiner already broke the news with her earlier. Now she was walking to and fro, going back and forth from the kitchen to the living room, continuously scolding out her sentiments and disappointments. I envied Reiner, he had this skill called selective attention, he was able to block off all the aversive stimuli. I needed something like that too at that instant. But probably Reiner couldn’t stand the embarrassment and the bickering. After 30 minutes of non-stop reprimand from his Mom he went upstairs to avoid all these and left me alone again.

If I only had the same choice of fleeing from that moment, I could’ve done it. I had no option but to listen to everything that Reiner’s Mom was saying. I couldn’t remember everything anymore, only these words…

“…you are so stupid!…you were just pretending to be a virgin!…you destroyed his life!…you said you’re going to help him!…you will never succeed!…you are now a failure!…” .
The litany went on for two hours. I didn’t drop a single tear in front of her, though the words that she said were difficult to swallow. I tried to take everything head-on. It was exhausting to hear everything.

Reiner finally came down, and he was asked to bring me home at once. But we drove to his brod, Raffy, who was like on older brother to him, and had our dinner there since we were not offered anything to eat again in his Mom’s “Diet House” (what Reiner used to call her house).

The next day, I got a long letter from his Mom telling me to either hide from Reiner in the province or go to the convent where nuns cater teenage pregnancy. I was not a teenager anymore; I was 23. I was capable of being self-sufficient. I showed the letter to Reiner and asked him about his plans.

We eloped.

BREAKING NEWS (Chapter 4)

Together we will conquer dreams
We’ll seek for answers;
Our minds wedded;
Seeker-dreamer, dreamer-seeker, one
In time, in space united;
Complete at last, we’ll wander, seek, and dream
Eternally.

- Carmen Subryan-

I did not want to be pregnant. I was scared. This was not planned. In fact, I was on the pill trying to prevent this.

This was not supposed to happen. Reiner was not shy about the fact that he was not ready for this responsibility. He has a long way to go with his undergraduate degree. Coming from his mother, he couldn’t stand on his own feet. He always said, “Someday I will be ready.” How would I tell him I got pregnant sooner than expected? I needed so much support from him right at that moment. I was sure he would be disappointed and I did not want to face that. I just wanted to hide, go home to the province, and have it all go away. Despite my “flight” instincts, I had to tell him, I had to tell him soon.

I was in deep thought for so long that I did not notice that Tey and Mae already left for school. The feeling of being alone in the quiet room was deafening.

Then, there was a knock on the door. I got up and opened the door.

It was Reiner. I called him from that small convenience store by the gate before I got back in the boarding house this morning. A celphone and landline was a luxury during that time in my life that I couldn’t afford it. I needed Reiner to comfort me. I told him I wasn’t feeling well and I almost fainted that morning at the stairs of the overpass.

“I think I need to take a pregnancy test.” (I intentionally left out that I had already taken an at-home test earlier). “ I might be pregnant”.
He answered as though he had this rehearsed. Completely calm and collected he said, “ You can take as many as you want as long as they are negative.”
I was stunned and angry at how insensitive he was behaving. I began to think I read the tests wrong. I thought if I took one more test, it would sink in for both of us.
He went out and bought another test kit.

My final at-home test was a familiar brand. Two pink lines if you’re pregnant, one pink line if you’re not. How much simpler could this be. Reiner stood with me in the bathroom as we waited for the three most important minutes of our future to come down to one or two pink lines. For about two and a half minutes there was a line.

He cheered, “ I told you it would be negative, I knew it.”
No sooner than he finished his thought, another line came out.
I could not believe it. The most unmistakable test still could not give us an answer.
At that moment everything that was happening for these past days dawned to me.
I told him the strong possibility that I was pregnant. “I had every sign; sore breasts, frequent urination, a constant car sick feeling. My body was making a baby.”

And my dear boyfriend looked very bewildered and not too happy. He suggested abortion. I had the instinct of slapping him right on his face. But then I thought better. With strong conviction I told him I would never ever do that hideous thing, I was going home to the province and would never show up again.

He embraced me. I was so scared. His arms didn’t make me feel any better.
I never felt so alone in my whole life.

“ You need a check-up, we’re going to Auntie Mely. She’s Pop’s first cousin and a very good OB-GYN”.
Not a good idea for me. I was thinking of what his family would say about me, about us.

We scheduled an appointment the next day with another physician recommended by my friend, who also established a positive result. She clarified that there were no more doubts. We were definitely having a baby. Regardless of whether or not this was the perfect time, the baby was already in progress.

In the jeepney, on our way home, he held my hand and whispered, “OK sweetie, we’re going to keep the baby”.

That was when this accidental fetus became a baby for us. It was when we realized that this was not an accident at all. Somebody had this blessing planned for us.

SHATTERED

I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity. Gilda Radner

5:00 am. I thought it was going to be another ordinary day in my life.

I got up early. Carefully I tiptoed to the small bathroom of the studio house I was renting. My roommates Tey and Mae, who are my sorority sisters from Pampanga, were still sleeping soundly. I had to be quiet so as not to wake them up. They slept late last night, like me.
After taking a bath and doing my morning routine, I was in a hurry getting on a tricycle, careful not to ruin my all white uniform. I was a student in a medical school. On my way to the school a scene was playing in my mind.

When I was a child, everyone in my family believed that one day I was going to be a doctor. Not only my family members anticipated my being a successful doctor when I grow up- my friends, neighbors and teachers were looking forward to that day too. They would tell me, “Marisol, you will be the one to cure my children when they get sick, you will follow the path of your grandparents” or some would call me “Doctor Cribe”. They firmly believed that I was going to be their doctor, because both my maternal grandparents were prominent doctors in our province. People believed in me. And they made me believe in myself. My teachers heard me say on stage when I was 6 years old,

…“when I grow up I want to be a doctor”.

My parents and teachers never called me “bad” or “stupid”. Everyday I heard them giving inspiring words that pushed me to compete with myself and have the desire to achieve. They groomed me to be smart and studious…which we know are detrimental to being the doctor that they all wanted me to be. Everyday the words “you can be the next most prominent doctor in our country” made me decide to take up medicine after college. Of course I made it to the medical school, with full scholarship.

I was already running, I didn’t want to be late for my biochemistry class; another mastery test was scheduled for that day. The third mastery test for that week.

I was already almost on top of the stairs of the overpass when I felt the ground shaking and the surrounding spinning. An earthquake! I had to stop moving. I almost fell down the steep stairs. Then I felt my blood surge through my head. I was cold. Everywhere seemed suddenly dark.
I stopped right there. And when I finally felt a little better, I retraced my steps back home.

“Oh dear… I better not be late for my test… alright…I’m going home”, I couldn’t make up my mind, but I was already heading home. I was scared. I would fail this test. I would fail everybody back home.

“Hey! You’re back! Why?” asked Tey who was making herself a cup of coffee getting ready for a shower.
“I think I’m getting down with a flu”, but I really wasn’t sure about that. “Can I go to the bathroom first?” I just had to do something quickly.
“Sure, sis!” she didn’t even bother to look at me. Good.

I went to the bathroom …I opened the cabinet and grabbed a small box – Eva Test.
I waited for three minutes after soaking the tip of that white strip in a small cup of my urine sample. I was full of apprehension. My mind was playing, asking all sorts of “what if…” which my mind couldn’t find concrete answers.

There it was…it said positive! I looked at the box label more than three times just to make sure I was interpreting the results correctly. But I couldn’t cheat on this test. It said positive. I felt worse!

“You rest now, you want coffee?” asked Tey who was just waiting for me to come out of the bathroom.
I didn’t hear her right, it sounded like “What now? Sorry!”

Without a word about it to Tey or Mae, I went straight to my bed, didn’t bother to change my clothes anymore.

OUR LOVE

I’ve been
kissing
your eyes
too long

haven’t
your lips
noticed?

- E. Ethelbert Miller-

It felt so right just being with him.
“Hahaha…brods, she’s mine!” he would boastfully say that to all his brods and friends. “She’s MINE FOREVER!”
Our relationship was different. It was reciprocal, I was teaching him to keep on track with his life, and he was bringing me back my sanity from all those schoolwork. We’ve fallen in love with each other hook, line and sinker.
But something seemed wrong. Everything that we were sharing was so platonic. Though it was sincere, it was very casual. I was waiting for the intimacy part. Where was it?
Boy! Was I not attractive, not hot nor sexy enough for him? Oh…on the brighter side, we probably were still in the “testing-the-water-stage”…or could be because he respected me too much.
“How did it feel? Was it good?”
What were they talking about?!
“Gaga! Your first kiss with Reiner?”
First kiss with Reiner. Yes, I was waiting for that too.
It has been ten days since he became my boyfriend but still there was no sign of his wanting to kiss me. Did he want me to be just a constant companion, girl friend period? Or, girlfriend, with physical tenderness and emotional bonding? Because that was what I meant about having a boyfriend.
Eleven days. Twelve days. Shall I wait ‘til Christmas?
The twelfth day that he would bring me home. I was so sure he would do his routine. He would stay for a while so we could talk a little while listening to the music. Then he would give me a peck on the cheek and leave while waving goodbye on his way to his car.
That night, the music from my small stereo filled my whole crampy apartment. It was already a permanent place to stay for my family when we would go to Manila from the province even before I was born. The apartment, some furniture and appliances like my good ol’ electric standfan and the TV were older than me. But they had served my family so well with loyalty and endurance. Family members stayed and left…Papa and Mama, Tito Sammy, Lola, Tita Neng, and now me and my brother.

“Hey, listen to this…” a Side A song was playing. Forevermore.
“There are times when I just want to look at your face with the stars in the night… there are times when I just want to feel your embrace in the cold of the night…I just can’t believe that you are mine now…”
The song went on, we listened. I didn’t understand why it seemed so meaningful. Quietly we both listened. We felt each other’s presence more than ever.
“It was like the song was written by me to you”
Then he reached for the volume knob of the stereo, which was on the other side of me.
I felt his breath on my ear. Then his lips softly touched my cheek. Warm, gently, it slowly found its way to my lips. We were kissing! So real…honest…tender…true. Cliché as it may be, it was like floating in the air like a feather. I felt free. It was calm and relaxed. Our lips had their own cadence and our tongue had its own rhythm.

It felt so good being loved by him. He saw me as a beautiful person inside out and he loved me the way I was. I used to feel like an ugly duckling when I was in high school but Reiner made me feel like I was a gorgeous swan.
I remember when I was in early teens. The notion of what seemed to be happening between lovers suggested sinister and mysterious secrets, which I could not grasp at all. I would be really embarrassed to ask something about that subject to my friends, to my parents, or to anybody, even my teachers. It was such an uncomfortable topic, it was forbidden to talk about it among friends.
But it was not a taboo to talk about it in UP. I talked about it openly with my sorority sisters. We would giggle behind closed doors with a mixture of repulsion and amusement when we look at pornographic pictures or when we look at attractive men suggestively. We read and openly discussed among ourselves what to expect during sex and what would satisfy both partners. We talked about the seduction techniques too.
And now is the time to apply everything that I have learned from my sorority sisters. Damn! They were right. Have I learned anything? Was I a good student in this subject?
Probably my new teacher, Reiner, was better than them.
If I were to give advice to parents of young girls, I would tell them not to leave their young daughter alone in the house with her boyfriend. “Study groups” could be studying more interesting subjects than academics. And indeed, their boyfriends are better teachers than their professors or anybody else in this area of expertise.
Just being together makes the lovers feel complete, the feeling becomes intense most especially when they are free in their own world.

Listen Beloved, the rustling
Of soft cooing turtledoves
Cozily pairing all night.

Come, oh my treasure, we too
Shall nestle and artfully dally
Until the prying moon departs.

My shy little doe-eyed beauty,
Where lingers your spirit today?

I shall court you with wine
And bring gifts divine
‘Til your radiant smile answer “yes”.

Prepare your bed strewn with
Blossoms bright
Anoint your breasts with oil
For tonight we shall enter the
Gates of delight
And rock on the seas of joy

Concealed in whispering silk
Your creamy thighs
My heart delight
Ivory portal
Gateway to heaven
The tambours keep pounding
A patch to my soul

You are the one I cherish tonight
My swan glides into your cave
To dally to our hearts’ content
With squeals of delight
And nibbles and bites
Sampling your juices divine
I am drunk as on heavenly wine

Young breasts
Hot little sea shells
Melting against him
Rising to his kisses
Hands caressing
Exploring her juicy mound

My thighs a twining arbor
Enticing embraces
Deep surges of pleasure
Ecstacy
Impetous you

Stroking deeply, hotly, sweetly
My strutting peacock
Fans his tail
Little red rosebud
Swelling discreetly
Of our love sings the nightingale

My fountain gushes
Overflowing
Drenching
Quenching
Your scented lotus pool

The arrow, quivering,
Found his mark
Shaft penetrating deeply
Waft of perfume and music sweet
Your silken limbs
Have made me weep
Night is so swift,
So hurried to depart

Thrumming rhythms
Surging from bottomless depths
Pulsing and throbbing
Joining our bodies
Exalting heart and soul

How descriptive was this Indian poet, Brahadaranyaka Upanishad, in his masterpiece: Kama Sutra. He illustrated clearly the art of lovemaking. It is surprising how much consideration there is for the feelings of women during love making in such an ancient writing.
“ The Kama Sutra treats men and women as equal partners in love making, understanding a woman’s sexual desires as equal to a man’s. If the desires of both partners are fulfilled, the couple will be happy with one another and able to take their union to another place”.
I remember the Philippine’s legendary sex therapist, Dr. Margarita Holmes, who was my professor in my Human Sexuality Class, one of my Psychology graduate subjects, in UP. She would always ask me to drive her home every after class because her house in Fairview was on my way home. She was a very remarkable teacher. And she gave me some of her published books with her autograph.
I liked her style inside the classroom. She would candidly and scientifically explain every process of human sexuality in detail to us. In her class I learned that human sexuality is biology, it is in our system. I couldn’t forget when she asked me to report on “The Tao of Love and Sex”, the Chinese version of the Kama Sutra. I successfully and creatively demonstrated everything with the use of some props like an eggplant and a transparent tube. Who would think that a naïve person like me could present such topic without inhibitions? She gave me a good grade.
She was a teacher that I will always remember.
Another was Reiner.

Your wanton spells
Draw me into your arms
Your healthy perfume
Clouds my brain
Ensnared by your magic’s
Golden weave
I gladly succumb again

I dreamt you were
In my arms again
Your breath caressing my cheek
Your barge slipping
Into my harbor fain
And you were mine to keep

Parting your thighs
As the bow of a ship
Parts the waves
Desire searing my loins
I straddle the torrid gales

I cast into your lotus pool
My hard-tipped angling rod.

Come, oh beloved,
Worshipful,
I clasp you to my heart.

Rash as a fiery stallion
He breached her welcoming gates
Muffled her little cries of delight
With kisses of flaming desire
Til soaring and melting
Hearts thundered as one

Sweet love,
I thank God for the gift of you
And the journey of joy
I take when I look into
Your liquid eyes.

They came together secretly,
Their light and friend, the moon,
He strong of limb,
She soft to yield.

Whispering love,
Their lips entwined,
Melting time in hot embrace,
Night passed all too soon.

Desire swells like a symphony
Your beauty entrepreneurs my soul
Sensuous beings
Powerful feelings
Wanton-eyed temptress of mine

In the embrace of his beloved
A man forgets the whole world –
Everything both within and without.

In the same way, he who embraces the Self
Knows neither within
Nor without.

-Brahadaranyaka Upanishad-

Months and years passed, Reiner and I had always shared good times together. There were misunderstandings but were not enough to permanently break us apart

REINER

Reiner Helmut
Lovable rogue, childlike, tall
Brother of Rolf and Randall
Lover of the books, the nocturnal, the excitement
Who feels secure, free, uninhibited
Who needs control, comfort, organization
Who gives fresh air, true love, satisfaction
Who fears truth, solitude, responsibility
Who would like to see the world, grandeur, reality
Resident of Quezon City
Angala.

- Solivia-

I was a new Sigma Betan. We did good stuff like exchanging sample exams, sharing books, and tutoring each other in our General Ed (GE) subjects, and we did other interesting stuff too. I was also learning and exploring with my now sorority sisters what for me was once taboo…smoking, drinking, and the art of flirting with men. The training was to be familiar with these things, never to be hooked with them.

I was enjoying my every day from the day I became a sis (what sorority sisters call each other). But I told myself: enough with those boring academic stuff! After all, I gave my parents good grades from grade school to fourth Year College. Now was my fifth year, time to enjoy!

We were going out a lot, especially with our fraternity counterpart – the Beta Sigma Fraternity.
“What the heck! They were the brods, they were supposed to protect us from whatever…”
And they were good. Well, at least to me. They were surrounding us everyday and we didn’t even have to call them to come to our tambayan (permanent place to hang out). I guess I inherited the sisters’ natural ability to lure men without so much effort, because even without the sisters, they were just so nice and so friendly to me.

The truth was that Beta Sigmans who were “ruggedly handsome”, as they used to call themselves, were friendly outside but really dangerous inside. All they wanted out of life was a good time, a little studying (that was the primary reason why we were in UP, right?), and a whole lot of occasions. They made occasions out of ordinary dull days, whether at the tambayan or in Sarah’s (Sarah’s…ooooh…good beer, good tokwa’t baboy, good old days). On their best days, they function on the level of early teenagers. High spirited (really? Why? You make a guess…), high-energy, where there was fun you’ll find them. When there was no fun, they made one. And on their worst, they would make your day worst too. That was just my personal impression about the brods.

Reiner is a Beta Sigman. I never really noticed him. When my sorority sisters asked me to choose a brod that I found attractive, I pointed at another brod. Not Reiner. I noticed his ex-girlfriend though, who was clinging to him like a booger. Too bad, it was improper for him to pick his nose in public.

After several months of hanging out with the sisters, I was still a novice in everything. They were getting impatient with me already.

“How can you not learn perfectly everything we taught you?” a sis asked me.
“ Probably somebody else can teach you better.”
But if not you guys, who could it be?
“A boyfriend. Do you have someone in mind?”
Ups! That was not my style.

Men had to come to me. The traditional courting, and wooing a girl, that was what I thought how an intimate relationship with a boyfriend would start.

Seemed like heaven heeded my prayer, and my sorority sisters’ prayer. Reiner was becoming too friendly to us. We heard he already broke off with his girlfriend months ago. But he didn’t seem to be really attracted to me at first. He was going out more with my sorority sisters. I thought I was too naïve for him.

I began to notice him when he started bringing me home from UP. I would perceive his every move as artistic – the way he shook a cigarette out of the pack and when he would put it between his lips, his smile would make him look boyish though he stood taller than the regular height of Filipino men. He was intellectually funny; I was just too demure to laugh at his jokes.
He would bring me home in his car (we called his car Ecto1, from Ghost Busters), after we brought home all the sisters who hitched with us. It went on like that for several months. We were just friendly and casual to each other. Though some sis and brods were already asking us malicious questions.

September 1, 1995, 8:00 pm. He brought me home one night after we took the sisters to Tia Maria’s bar in Katipunan Ave. Of course he promised to go back there after bringing me home. I was already preparing to review for an exam in my Biology 11 class and was expecting him to leave anytime soon. But he never went back for them anymore.

One hour. Two hours. Three hours had passed. He was still with me blabbing how he was amused with me. I was getting impatient.

12:00 midnight, 1:00 am, 2:00 am…I was really getting impatient.
“When is this guy going home?”
Of course it would be improper to ask him that. I was talking to myself.
Then after hours and hours of telling me how he really liked me, he asked me, “Can I be your boyfriend?” I was surprised with what he said.

I wanted to tell him that he blew it. But I didn’t want to lose his friendship. I grew very fond of him already. Yes, I couldn’t afford to lose his friendship anymore. Ok. I just made it easier for him; I led him to tell me the right words.

Finally, he got it (after several hints), he told me “I love you, do you love me too?” Yes! That made it!

I guess it was too momentous an event for him. He was staring up the ceiling while slouched on the couch, smiling…just smiling and staring on something that I didn’t see on the ceiling. He was staring there for an hour! He left at 3:00 am.

What I thought would make him go earlier made him stay longer!

I wasn’t able to study that night anymore. It was too difficult to sleep either. I was trying to stare on the same spot on the ceiling while lying on the couch but I didn’t see anything interesting there. But I was also smiling.

The next day, we never talked about it to anyone. Mysteriously, they knew. They said our aura was different. Were we two really connected?

One Child at a Time

One Child at a Time presents a four-part framework for assessing students and tailoring instruction. It helps teachers increase their understanding of the reading process and impart strategies to comprehend text and solve words. Click here to browse the entire book online!

EXORDIUM OF BEAUTY

I always believe that a certain kind of angst and rebellion drives people into the artistic fields. The streak of being creative generated from some kind of inexhaustible hate and longing from either the past or the present. No one could liberate himself from something pleasant, because happiness is the goal of all things, however dysfunctional.

- andreavenge-

When most people hear the term "hazing" it conjures up images of fraternities. In reality however, hazing occurs in many arenas including fraternities and sororities, the military, athletic teams and student organizations (like marching bands) at both the high school and collegiate levels.
One of the most commonly asked questions about hazing in fraternities is why do young men and women participate in such horrific and life-threatening activities just to belong to a group?
Many believe that hazing in fraternities/ sororities and in general is nothing more than silly antics and harmful pranks.
By joining a sorority, I realized that it is not just belonging to a group.
In summer 1994, after 3 years in UP, I was introduced by Tito Jojo (Mama’s youngest brother), who is a Beta Sigman, to the counterpart sorority.

The U.P. SIGMA BETA SORORITY is the first and oldest sorority in the university, and in the country. It began as an honor society, but eventually opened its doors to other deserving women students in the university.
The tradition.
The Legend.
The UP Sigma Beta Sorority, which means “summation of beauty” was founded in University of the Philippines in Diliman in 1932 and is the oldest Greek-lettered sorority in Southeast Asia. With conscious effort in following the tradition in inculcating the principles of Secrecy, Loyalty, Equality, Service and Dignity throughout the years, every Sister was carefully singled out from the hundreds of women in the University. Every screening would require intensive interrogation with special regard for excellent academic standing, fine breeding, reputation, and graceful bearing.
Contrary to the tainted notions that the media sensationalize, Sigma Betan sorority girls do not engage in barbaric activities. Rather, the sorority trains and develops its women in social graces and communication skills, excellent work ethics and service, and to excel in their chosen fields. These aspects would lead them to having greater self-confidence, better professional and business dealings while maintaining their poise and grace, reflecting the ideal woman.
The modern woman has crossed over time, political regimes, family values, and is fast adaptive to trends and fashion, but the Sigma Betan remains unique: our Grand Sisterhood and traditions keep us level-headed, having that inner POWER, BRILLIANCE and BEAUTY!

My Sigma Betan sisters could not have been more like sisters to me had we been born by the same mother. It is from Sigma Beta that I learned the very essence of sisterhood (and that families aren't always biological) and the value of rendering selfless service to others. I know that the Sigma Betan virtues, principles and other invaluable lessons that it has taught me and have been deeply ingrained in me, has made me wise through the years. The beautiful memories that have been so deeply etched in my heart will remain in me forever.

SURVIVAL (Chapter 3)

There the fountains of knowledge open themselves up for brave questers, multiplying wisdom, opening up the gateways to (intellectual) riches and providing a complete armory that will sure to take our student to the challenges that come at every level.

–U.P.

June 1991. I was finally on my own.

Armed with only my clothes and the digital umbilical cord to Mama that is her phonenumber (and maybe the phone book), I embarked on one of the most challenging adventures (and misadventures) of my lifetime—university life. The prospects are both exciting and frightening.
Keeping body and soul together, plus getting good grades in ehem, the flagship campus of the premier state university, can be as formidable as any adventures that we see in Indiana-Jones movies.

My objective: get that diploma. Better yet, get that diploma with honors. Time limit: four or five years.

Surviving the Diliman Republic required strategy, skills, passion and of course, the will to survive.

My weapons were mostly my guts, determination and of course my superior intelligence (I made it to the University of the Philippines, didn't I?). I had to be familiar with the terrain: know where the stuff vital to my survival were located—sample exams and the like, for instance.

I had to know who my allies and team members were. They were supposed to be my blockmates, my block handlers, adviser, and supposedly, my professors. Conversely, I had to know who my enemies were.

Sounded like hard work? You bet.

I was like in a totally different civilization. Culture shocked is the more precise word. From a very conservative society, I was left in a totally liberated place, alone.

I can remember clearly how I survived. I had this survival list in my mind which I always carried with me on my adventures in UP that until now I can still vividly remember.

My Survival List In U.P.:

List 1. Food equals money.

I oftentimes survived my breakfast, lunch and dinner on fishballs, isaw and instant noodles.

The campus was abundant with food. From the all-time favorite fishballs to vegan fare, food sources were everywhere, in varied forms as ambulant vendors, kiosks, snack bars, bake shops, general merchandise stores, canteens and tony restaurants, each with different specialties and price ranges.

At the corners of every college building were the vendors' fare: banana, camote, singkamas, mangga and other cues; fish, squid and assorted balls, isaw, fried quail or duck (penoy) eggs in orange-colored batter called, cotton candy, sorbetes, taho et al.

Unlike my neighborhood banana cue Manang, these maroon-vested vendors were armed with food sanitation and safety skills, I was assured that fishball or mangga cue had passed the Republic's food safety standards. Even I had to comply with food safety practices, like, you know, making sawsaw the fishballs in the sauce only once.

Kiosks were open-faced hut-like structures not unlike my suking tindahan carrying food. Choose my wild: junk food, sandwiches, siopao, kakanin, pansit, spaghetti, softdrinks, bottled water, juices, cigarettes, sanitary napkins, blue books, pens, m&ms and other imported chocolates, index cards, etc.

Unlike vendors' outlets, kiosks had the added amenity of covered eating spaces. My friends and I could actually sit down and eat in the benches provided, protected from the sun and the rain. We would also hang-out in the kiosks during slack hours. We would patronize the kiosk and make friends with the Manangs, of course.

Snack bars were misnomers as these were actually meal outlets known for their respective interpretations of the silog: fried rice topped with a sunny side up egg and a serving of tapa, longganisa, tocino or daing na bangus.

What do we do when we needed meals on site? Then we went to the canteen.

Canteens were food establishments located in academic units and dormitories run by restaurants or food caterers.

One of my favorite places to eat was Chocolate Kiss at Ang Bahay ng Alumni. There were pasta, fancy sandwiches, pastries and meals. This surely dented my food budget, but then the treat, or the ambiance, was worth it.

List 2: Simplify my lifestyle.

Tempting as it was, it was not always a good idea to raid the malls, (hey, it was just a jeep ride away!) no matter how convenient. There were shops in the Shopping Center (SC) that could provide me with the basics.

One time when I had a toothache and couldn’t take the pain anymore, I ran to the UP Health Service. I had one of my teeth was extracted there, though it was really scary because the environment was far from a hospital or dental clinic. Consultation was free, but medicines were not. There were only one drugstore on campus, but Mercury Drug was just a Philcoa jeep away.

List 3: Books were my weapons.

Any student worth her while would not go into combat without the latest copies of lectures and books. The key was in getting my way to the xerox operators, bookstores and computer rental stores. Photocopying machines were everywhere on campus, usually visible near building entrances, eating places, staircases, libraries or lurking beside tambayans. While UP does not encourage violating copyright laws, it was very easy to have a whole book copied and even bound on the very same day. I would just leave the book with the copy operator, instructed them which pages to reproduce, and voila! instant reference.

Bookstores were my more advanced knowledge source. Every student knew that the library is the best strategy resource.

Hey! UP was the only place I know, until now, where one could buy books at the women’s toilet (on all the floors of Palma Hall!). These `Ladies' Rooms' were tambayans for girls waiting for their next class, waiting for friends or just spending a longer time grooming. But the more business-minded knew that they could make money out of the books they used the previous semester, so they would post notices selling their old books, typically at half or even a quarter of their original cost.

List 4: Restore my energy periodically.
I couldn’t afford to be flopping around dead tired after all the classes I had to attend and homework to do. Running around the Athletic Oval (behind the Ang Bahay ng Alumni) would cost me nothing.

I used to run around the oval with some of my blockmates, Jhonna, Martha and Bong, because they really needed to lose some extra extra pounds to keep fit. We had our good times then.

Film Center had a monthly schedule of screenings of award-winning international films. We would watch some old Tagalog movies to complete a class requirement. The movie house was so cold but we would be holding our bladder frightened to go to the Ladies Room, scared to see or hear the cry of famous white lady the upperclassmen were always talking about.

These were typically for free, as were the advanced screenings of local and foreign films sponsored by the major production studios. Where else would you watch a rated-R flick like `Hubad sa Ilalim ng Buwan' and a feminist-historical `Elizabeth' in the same night?

I recall going down to the Observatory behind the College of Home Economics during a lunar eclipse. The resident astronomers would give us a peek through the large telescope. Other nights, we would just sit around looking up at the stars. (Believe me, we got a better view from the Sunken Garden.)

For my spiritual side, there was the Parish of the Holy Sacrifice, which held Mass for the Catholic community. I would go alone during Sundays and holy days of obligation, or sometimes I would pick up a friend from a nearby dorm to go with me.

Ahhh…UP. The premiere state university is an epitome of freedom, of a liberated American university. Do what you want. After all, this is democracy. It is the haven where every student finds joy in learning…learning new things…learning everything.

*** My Survival List in UP adapted from a UP site.

PARADISE

The Red Orchestra
Is the sea at dawn
The crashing cymbals
The thrust of each wave
The call of the gull
A sacred lull
And the sun?
Of course, the conductor.

-Susan Coti-
DCAWP Fellow 2004

The best place for me when I was a child was our family beach resort in Paracale, Camarines Norte.

Paracale is “gold country” in Camarines Norte. Since the Pre-Spanish period, local residents have worked the mines and goldsmiths have turned the metal into finely crafted pieces. The town is a center of the jewelry-making industry and although the art has declined in importance, the town is still regarded as a good place to get fine gold jewelry. Antique styles, like the agimon (also known as the alakdan ) or the flat necklace chain of the 19th century, continue to be made in Paracale.
Our sun kissed beach resort was very much known in that part of our province until now because of its claylike soil and red sand. My great grandparents named our paradise “Pulang Daga” meaning red soil in our vernacular. Everything was natural and untouched. Visitors went to Pulang Daga every summer to enjoy the virginal, undepleted and unpolluted island. The crystal clear sea sparkled in shades of turquoise, sea blue and emerald green. The shallow waters surrounding the island were perfect for snorkeling, scuba diving, and swimming. The waters were shallow enough for visitors to walk from one reef to another.
My family would stay there for a week or so every month, and I would lazily daydream in a comfortable hammock stretched between two palms when I wasn’t swimming. I loved having my head in the clouds when I was a little girl. I guess my family knew about it because they would allow me to play near the shore when the tide was low. How I loved the corals! I never had to use goggles to see the colorful fishes that swam there. The sea cucumber, starfish, brittle star, and sea snails just crawled on the corals. They were exposed with the low tide every noontime and dusk. I felt like I was a mermaid!
I wasn’t a good swimmer but I felt like I was connected to the waters because of my childhood experiences in this place.
I had forgotten about my childhood fantasies of being a mermaid when I started fantasizing about boys. But whenever we went to different beaches across the country, I know those beaches were beyond compare to Pulang Daga. I transferred to the city to pursue college. I seldom go there now but I still hear stories about how beautiful it is today.

Just a couple of years ago, my family changed the name of our family beach resort, from "Pulang Daga" to Virgin Island.

DAET, CAMARINES NORTE

I came to my place of birth and cried,
“The friends of my youth, where are they?”
And echo answered,
“Where are they?”.

ARABIAN PROVERB-

My family lived a simple life in Daet, Camarines Norte.
The term Daet was coined when a certain Spanish colonizer asked a native settler of what place it was, not having understood the question which was asked in Spanish language, the native settler said “dae” which means NO. Daet is the capital town of Camarines Norte. The province of Camarines is considered as the Gateway to the Bicol Region (R-V). It is the province next to Quezon province if traveling towards southeast from Manila.

Camarines Norte derives its name from the Spanish word Camarin meaning rice granary or warehouse. Camarines Norte’s pride are its places of interest and historical landmarks such as: Rizal Monument in Daet, the first Rizal Monument erected in the Philippines in 1898, Wenceslao Q. Vinzon Sr. Historical Shrine with public library and museum, St. Peter Church in Vinzons which is one of the oldest churches in the Philippines, Jose Ma. Panganiban Monument, and Laniton park, site of the first guerilla encounter against the Japanese Imperial Army.

The province offers clear waters, white sand and beaches, and underground cave ideal for surfing, scuba diving, surfing, picnic, and hiking. Among these are the: Bagasbas Beach, four kilometers away from the town of Daet, its sea waves is ideal for surfing. Apuao Grande Island is famous for its white sand unsullied water best for water sports like scuba diving and is 45 minutes ride by boat from Mercedes; Pulang Daga Beach Resort situated in Paracale is two hours ride by bus and an ideal place for picnic and swimming. It commands a good panoramic view of the Pacific Ocean. Mercedes group of islands cater to tourists in search of secluded resort destinations and outstanding natural landscapes. The islands have white sand beaches, clear waters and calm waves. Canton Cave is another exhilarating wonder for brave adventurers, and Itok Falls about 75 km. Southwest of Daet and four kilometers West of Capalonga. It is surrounded by lush foliage.

I‘ve always remembered my mother being a workaholic. She worked during the day as a boss at the Provincial Capitol, at night still doing her paper works while assisting me with my homework. She was the Provincial State Auditor for several years and was recently promoted as the Regional State Auditor. My father couldn’t hold a job for unknown reasons. He had had several jobs when I was younger but would quit after sometime. I guess there are people like him who like working only for themselves. But he’s been kind to all of us. His family owned our private beach resort, my childhood paradise.

CORRESPONDENCE

We are authors, all of us, concerned with beginning,
With making, with sources and substance.

DIANE WAKOSKI

Eventually some of us got married and found it difficult to find a leisure time to go to our hometown (like me). But some of us who were in the Manila area made sure that we stayed connected. We dined out during birthdays, called each other once in a while, and periodically emailed each other through our yahoogroups account (lcc91@yahoogroups.com) which was initiated by Bong Abecina…
…(was translated in English)…

PET ESPANOL

Hi lcc91,

Let’s share our plans in the next 5 years or 10 years. Guys we're already 30 years old, as much as we hate it, we're not getting any younger. The reality of life is we have to plan ahead. We have to move on and we have to win the game. Let’s reflect on what we really wanted to achieve and plan how this will be done. Off course, all of us want a good life but that want will only come to reality if we plan and execute.

I don't wanna sound serious or corny, but I just wanna share a mindset....I have 4 kids. It’s no joke! I used to spend P800/ week only for their milk. My salary was not even enough. 3 of them were born thru caesarian section, very expensive! I had no savings. Though I was planning for 4 kids everything happened too soon. But I have no regrets because they are the ones giving me the strength and the inspiration to go on.

Maybe what I accomplished during my last 10 years after college was I established the foundation for my kids and for my work. I developed connections with the bosses, I always get reprimanded but I remained loyal because I had to stay on job for me to support my family. The receipts from the ceasarian bills were on display to always remind me that life is not easy. So in my last 10 years I spent 2 years with SGV, 1 year with Alsons Cement, 6 years with TDG, and I'm planning to stay around 5 years more with my present job to establish connection with travel industry.

In my next 5 years, my plan is to establish my own business, utilizing my experience in domino's and TDG, not necessarily in the pizza business. At least, the business would hopefully be stable before I resign at 35. We should not always be employees. Let’s use what we learned from our employment. Lets synergize!

SHIRLEY PANOL

…I also don’t plan to stay an employee (executive or not) for life but I have no definite plans yet as of now. This is the very reason why I accepted my present post here in Cambodia. Good idea! Let’s use our creative thinking in productive exchanges.

FYI, the primary mode of transportation here in Cambodia is single motor vehicles, which they call motodop. These motodops can carry big baskets of fruits. At night, we rent trucks to bring the workers home. People here prefer open vehicles like pick-up trucks with benches. Buses are used for out of town drive like traveling to Vietnam or Bangkok. Markets here are like Divisoria, most things for sale were stolen merchandise.

Anyways, glad to know that we all are proud of who we are.

JOJO VERGARA

…Nice exchage, huh. Sorry guys I’ve been inactive here for quite sometime, but I’ve been reading all your mails when I can. I’ve been really busy lately with my practice and my new business. I’m opening a new water refilling station in Daet next month. Its name is WATERCLEAR Purified Drinking Water. It will be located at the ground floor of Karilagan Hotel near BPI Daet. I hope you guys get water from me, it’s affordable, and I’ll make sure the water is OK.

VERONICA LATUMBO

…Buhay Bangkok is hindi rin easy. Kailangan masipag ka dito to earn more. Right now madami na rin Filipinos dito especially teachers. Thailand is not an English speaking country and pruod talaga ako kasi kitang-kita ang kaibahan natin sa kanila lalo na pagdating sa EDucation system.Napakalayo nila sa atin. Dito Hindi teacher pwede ka tanggapin sa school to teach espeacially the native speakers or those americans and british basta nakakapagsalita ka ng English. Even high school graduate from the U.S. or England tinatanggap kasi iba rin mentality nila dito. Akala nila pag white skin e magiging super galing din kids nila in English. May discrimination din pagdating sa salary iba offer pag asian ka pero kita mo talaga difference pagdating sa diskarte in the classroom. Dito marami may kaya sa buhay and masisipag din sila sa pagtatrabaho kaya nga no time na ang parents na i-assist kids nila sa preparation of homework. Dito sa school ginagawa ang homework pero sa Pinas kailangan mong gawin sa bahay or library. Dito nagtatanong sila bakit ang pinoy magaling sa English? Sagot ko naman Iba ang exposure natin in English and system of education in the Philippines. Lumaki na tayo surrounded by English words and ang media exposure natin sobra. Dito pag wala kang UBC or parang cable magtyaga kang manood ng thai movies and news. Dito instead na tricycle TUKTUK naman. Siguro naman pamilyar kayo sa advertisement ni Pierce Brosnan sa VISA CARD ...yung sinakyan nya dun yun ang tuktuk..I'm sure alam nila tetet and ate shie yan.

Ang kagandahan dito mas magaan buhay since medyo mababa ang cost of living. Affordable ang halos lahat ng bagay. Walang holdaper and nakawan. Di ka matatakot to go out at night kasi safe talaga dito unlike sa atin and well lighted ang daan.mURA DIN pamasahe. pERo syempre miss ko pagkaing pinoy iba dito eh halos spicy foods kinakain nila.


CRISTINA AQUINO-BELCHEZ

....abt buhay dito sa london, masayang mahirap, kung me datung ka masaya kse panay ang half sale esp kapag mag end ang winter and summer season hehehe. Masyado mataas cost of living ...kaya kelangan kayod ka kahit gabi. Maraming pinoy dito...esp mga nurses and care giver, me mabait me mayayabang...lalo na yung mga nakabingwit ng british ...alam mo yun! feeling nila super taas nila...and kala mo alila nila mga ibang pinoy dito...ano pa nga bang bago kahit san naman iba talaga ang pinoy he-he.
...marami rin me winter blue dito, mga iba't ibang klase ng depression kumbaga, mahilig kse mag clubbing mga people dito esp friday night.
Transpo namin ...by train, kaya oks lang less traffic. Dami rin filipino market dito kaya medyo updated pa rin sa lutong pinoy.
Basta masasabi ko lang iba pa rin life sa pinas..at sa pagtanda ko Pinas pa rin ako uuwi, kse ayoko bumagsak sa NURSING HOME ng mga olds dito.

REYNANTE ABABA

…Does a person really become playful after getting married? Here’s a piece of advise friends: slow down with S%X, it's melting your brain...hahaha.

Don’t believe everything that you here about me; I am still the same Reynante Ababa that you’ve known in Daet, still “barriotic”.

Regards to all. Hope to see you friends, someday soon.

LUIGI QUERUBIN

…I’m still working at the provincial government! My eldest is already Grade 4 and my youngest is turning 2 years old this August.

HAROLD SENDON

…Hello! How are you guys? What’s new with me? Well, I have 2 kids now. My second child was born last December 21; his name is Kyle Sean. Still the same at work. Sail for one contract, more or less 6 months then back to land based jobRight now I’m waiting for my next schedule, maybe next month I’ll get a job in Makati near Dian. Cheers!

MARISOL CRIBE-ANGALA

…You know, Pet, you're right; we have to reflect and look back on what we have accomplished throughout our 30 years of existence. While I was reading that piece that Tetet sent "The PHILIPPINES is..." I thought whoever wrote that piece doesn't have a bigger picture of the world.

When I got here in the US, it dawned to me that our country’s problem with corruption and poverty are just a piece of cake. The same problem here in America, our poverty is “nothing” compared to Ethiopia. When I got here I realized we are still respected race. Here in America, the Filipinos are in the Professional jobs (teachers, nurses, IT), some are babysitters but there are more Filipinos who are in the Professional level. Contrary to what we hear, they don’t look down on our race as Domestic Helpers, they admire us.

TETET MATEO-GAMBOA

…Thought it is corny for other people to say things or to be proud that “I am a Filipino”. Others find it corny though. Indeed when I first saw what other people look like - their culture and environment, our individual differences, I was surprised! We are wasting a lot of good stuff!

Just got here in Seoul from LAX and again, the flight was delayed. I was next in line in the x-ray security area just before reaching the gate when they all halted the screening and stuff. Maybe the airport security officers found out something, like an unidentified object and there were police and dogs moving around the area, even passengers were asked to disembark from the plane. Chaos. You know, bomb threats and stuff. It was horrible! That was my first time to experience this.

For your info, Inchon Int'l airport here in Seoul has been receiving bomb threats this month. It just started when they beheaded the Korean hostage and yet Korea are still sending troops to Iraq. Scary! When I was still single, I didn’t care about things like that. I get scared but not as scared as I am today. Hello, I don’t want to die early and leave my kids behind. They need me. I want to grow old with them. As in I’m so scared to fly. But no choice, this is my job. What I hear from the news everyday freak me out.

I really am proud to be a Filipino, I swear.

I wish I could go back to Daet again. I really miss my hometown. BF Homes in Las Pinas is what now I call home. Daet is now for me a place to spend our vacation.

My youngest sister when she was in grade school, she would always ask my mom if I would still go home, my Mom would say "Your sister doesn’t live here anymore, she’ll probably come back for a short vacation”. I felt sad and I cried. I miss hanging out with them. I miss our good old days.

Don’t you miss our high school life? Or the life that we used to have before.? Tricycle, La Consolacion, walking from home to downtown, St. Joseph Parish…ahhh! Memories…

MELANIE-BARRAMEDA-LEVISTE

…I also remember the jeepney bound for Bagasbas, which are always full of passengers and baggage. It was so jam packed and tight inside and yet you see the people still smiling. We had such simple life then.
I love Daet. It's the place where I consider as my 2nd hometown. It's the place where I met my best friends and enjoyed teenage life. I enjoyed it to the fullest though we had to go on separate ways to pursue college. I had wonderful memories of Daet that I would be happy to share it w/ my daughter and other children (if ever).
Guess what, I just met with Edsel T. last week at my office. Edsel, we welcome you again to our e-group.

EDSEL TIONGSON
…Hi everyone!!! Who’s coming this weekend?

DEAR DIARY

You should always know when you’re shifting gears in life.
You should leave your era, it should never leave you.

LEONTYNE PRICE

I started keeping a diary when I was in grade six to secretly express my feelings about my infatuations. I had my diaries (way back 1987) shipped here by my sister from the Philippines while I was writing this book. One had a lock with a key that I got from my mother’s old “treasure chest”, and the rest were nicely decorated hardbound journals. It was amusing reading them again.

I had several crushes with boys my age, but of course I always made sure that they didn’t know how I felt towards them (I really tried to hide it!). The names of these boys I prefer not to mention anymore because it might cause havoc and confusion to people who do not understand what past means.

Here are some excerpts from my diaries… (was translated to English)…

January 3, 1987 (7:30 pm)
Dear diary,

What I will tell you is about my crushes. You know, there are three boys that I like. One is my neighbor; he’s tall dark and handsome. I’m also fond of two other boys in school. One is an upperclassman who is charming, very intelligent and with a great sense of humor; and the other boy that I like is a classmate of mine who’s also cute, brilliant in and out of the classroom, and is also funny.

February 25, 1987 (12:30 pm)
Dear Diary,

Today is a holiday, the first year anniversary of the PEOPLE’S REVOLUTION in EDSA Philippines that happened last year. You know, I don’t understand why I feel anxious whenever I am near him. I get goose bumps and cold sweat just a mention of his name. But I don’t want anybody to notice how I really feel, though me and my really close friends --- the JOB --- exchange stories about the boys that we like.

March 21, 1987 (9:00 pm)
Dear Diary,
Today, we had our Recollection/ Retreat at the Cathedral and it turned out to be an exciting day for me too. I feel “clean” again spiritually after a day of purging. It’s a good feeling. Also, I was sitting beside the boy that I like the whole time and our classmates were teasing us.

March 24, 1987 (6:10 pm)
Dear Diary,
It’s going to be our graduation from elementary soon. Our practice everyday is very tiring. My mother is planning to give a despedida party after my graduation because I won’t be going back to LCCD anymore next year. I will be staying with my grandmother, Mang, in Naga City. She is sending me to an exclusive school for my first year in High school, Colegio de Sta. Isabel. I am going to terribly miss my friends here.

April 4, 1987 (9:00 pm)
Dear Diary,
Today is our Graduation Day. I got a medal. During the Baccalaureate Breakfast, Tetet, who was sitting beside me whispered that he was looking at me. J I had mixed emotions; sad because I won’t be here anymore next year, but excited with the new school and new friends that await me in Colegio de Sta. Isabel. We went to Naga the other day to enroll and buy my school uniform for next school year. Most of my friends confirmed that they are going to attend my party tomorrow in my grandparents’ house in Labo.

April 10, 1987
Dear Diary,
Today is the second entrance examination as part of the screening process in the application to the Philippine Science High School, the most competitive high school in the country. Am I going to make it? The exam was very difficult. Of course, he was there too. We just looked at each other but didn’t say a word.


I stayed in Naga City with my maternal grandmother, Mang, who was then the Chief of the Regional Hospital. She was so proud of me for maintaining my half-tuition scholarship because of my good grades. I always admired her administrative skills and her strength in running that huge Regional Hospital.

I had a blast at Colegio de Sta. Isabel. I made close friends with sixteen other girls- Isabel, Donnabelle, Geraldine, Gennilyn, Dovie, Jasmin, Christine, Arlene, Marian, Leah, Edda, Irene, Mylene, Joan, and myself. We would go out a lot, or hangout in each other’s houses. We treated each other like sisters.

Eventually we formed a group and we called ourselves MAVERIX from the movie Top Gun. We were very popular in our school because we were a bunch of extraordinary girls who were very talented, high spirited, street smart, and academically competitive. We would always go as a group in all events like camping, or sports fest and we would back each other up through thick and thin. We would sometimes get in trouble for graffiti (did we do that?!), fighting during sports fest (really?!) or passing out answers during exams (that we did!). We were naughty in school but our ever patient adviser (how can I forget her name?!) always stood and fought for us. I had so much fun!

February 27, 1988
Dear Diary,
It’s very different here in my new school. I had to adjust a lot. I’m in Grade 7 section Hope here in CSI. This is an exclusive school for girls, no boys, no choice for the girls but to admire each other. Just like how the saying goes: “GO WITH THE FLOW”. I like this girl who’s a year older. She’s cute, sweet and innocent looking, like Demi Moore in “Ghost”. And here’s this guy from another school, Ateneo de Naga, who keeps on sending me notes and cards and waits for me by the entrance of the school. I would sneak out and evade him. There’s this boy that I like in Ateneo. He’s friendly, and his eyes are really magnetic, but he’s too short! L

March 18, 1988 (Colegio de Sta. Isabel SOLAR ECLIPSE)
Dear Diary,
Something historical happened today --- partial solar eclipse! It took place this morning at 9:00, class hour. We were all excited! Before 9:00 sharp, the students were gathered in the school corridors, with them were their visual aides to view the event without the eyes being harmed. The students took out their film negatives, smoked glasses, x-ray films, and we all witnessed how it happened! It became dark and cold, the sun turned crescent shaped (as seen thru the visual aids that we used). Some students made reflections on the wall thru mirrors and because of the numerous mirrors, the reflections looked like dancing crescents in different sizes on the wall! It was a great experience!

March 26, 1988
Dear Diary,
Today is my last day here in Colegio de Sta. Isabel and it’s sad to think about that. I’m going to leave the 16 MAVERIX, my best friends who made my stay here worth remembering. But I’m also excited because I’m going back to my former Alma Mater and be with my old friends again.


After one year, my grandmother was transferred to the Department of Health in Manila. I had to go home to Daet again. The MAVERIX continued to exist and accepted two more members in the group. I heard that there was a counterpart in Ateneo de Naga who called themselves MAVE-ROOKS. I was recognized to be one of the pioneer members. Until now we still keep in touch with each other.

June 20, 1988
Dear Diary,
Back to LCCD! Back with my old friends, teachers, and loved ones J. I’m now in Second Year High School section Prudence. My class adviser is Ms. Belinda Gerio.

September 25, 1988 (12:00 noon)
Dear Diary,
Today is our Math Olympiad Competition. I’m no good in Math but the coach brought me along as substitute whatever happens to our deserving delegates. They are all boys and are really good in Math. I kinda liked a contestant there from Chung Hua High School but I didn’t get his name anymore. He’s so cute and smart looking.

October 2, 1988
Dear Diary,

Just got home from CEAP/BACS Leadership Training. The Seniors facilitated the training and it was an exciting experience because we slept overnight in the classrooms. They said the school was haunted at night!

Throughout my High School years I never had any boyfriend but had infatuation with several boys. I was obsessed with just one of them though. My high school diaries were full of stories about him. We never had an intimate relationship but we became good friends eventually.

March 24, 1991

Dear Diary,
I am now a graduate! I can’t believe it! It seems like yesterday…now here I am, entering a strange school with all those totally strange people. I really think I’m too young to go to College. I’m going to miss those happy moments with my classmates and friends. But I have everything captured in photographs so I can just look at them whenever I want to look back.

After graduation in High School each of us went on our own way. But we would still get together in Daet as much as we could during summer or Christmas vacations and recall our good old days.

FIRST PHASE (Chapter 2)

I have the wisdom of all of my years

Nothing to hide, nothing to fear!

Gone out of school and working now;

Growing up, but I don't know how.

Trying my best to make you proud,

To stand out in the crowd.

Another few years and I am thirty-four;

So much more of life to explore.

A great new job, house, and child.

No longer am I somewhat wild!

But settled down and content with life;

As a loving mother and devoted wife.

I know it all - I know I do,

And I learned it all by watching you.

I have the wisdom of all of your years.

You supported me and loved away fears.

This is me all grown up and new.

All of this is THANKS TO YOU!!
- ADAPTED-

I was born on June 30th 1974 in ABM Sison Hospital, which is now called Medical City, in Mandaluyong Philippines.

My parents named me Maria Lourdes Solivia. My mother’s name was Lourdes so they named me Maria Lourdes meaning “Little Lourdes”. But both my paternal and maternal grandmothers wanted me to be named after them being their first granddaughter; from their names (Soledad and Olivia) came my third name Solivia. I used to hate my name when I was in preschool because it was too long for me to write. But my Mama and my teachers said it was a good practice for me to develop my fine motor skills. I guess that was the reason why I mastered writing the letters of the alphabet at an early age. But still, it was too long for me to write! Eventually they agreed to shorten it down to just “Marisol”…Mari meaning “little girl” and sol Latin word for “sun”, in other words, “daughter of the sun”. I liked that! The name was a lot like me, very bright with great rule, very much my personality. When I came to the US everybody just called me Maria.

My parents gave me four younger siblings: Oscar Serafin (Junjun), Maria Antonia (Tonette), Maria Luisa (May) and Oscar Michael (Kel). Our youngest, Kel, was born with Down’s Syndrome; he’s always been special to us particularly to Junjun. I remember growing up with Junjun and Tonette, and I always thought about May and Kel as “the babies”, maybe because they grew up when I was away, I went to Naga City for Highschool and in Manila for College.

My most prized possession was my collection of photographs. For me, they were priceless because they captured those momentous events in my life vividly. Those moments could never happen again exactly as it did before --- my triumphs, our family reunions, and my transition from being a baby to a lady. All these comings and goings in my life were being evoked whenever I look at the albums of my photographs.

I guess I got my sentimental part from my mother. She always had a camera wherever she went. I admired each of her photograph collection; they were old and nostalgic. She had it in an album with captions and drawings, like a scrapbook. I saw her photo when she was my age, her hair was waist length and she was so beautiful. My father’s baby picture was placed beside my baby picture; it showed how much we looked alike!

Looking at the photographs has always been my way of reliving the good memories that I wanted to remember. Keeping a diary is another.

DCAWP SUMMER INSTITUTE

I have a recurring dream that symbolizes what the National Writing Project has done for me as a writer...”Reach below the surface,” echo the voices of my National Writing Project colleagues. “Dig deeper”.

– Beth Hammett, The Voice, Vol9 no2 ‘04

“ A writer is someone who sits in front of a computer all day, eyes glued to the screen, fingers flying across the keyboard, churning out bestsellers.” False. I am definitely not that kind of writer. I live a very colorful life.

Since the beginning of the Summer Institute I met co-teachers who, like me, are not the stereotype writers. At the same time during the summer 2004, we all fell in love with words and how they fall into stories on page. The transformation was amazing. I found myself a writer surrounded by writers. We would share each other’s manuscripts and discuss openly about them. We would laugh. We would cry. And we would celebrate everyday by writing.
We wrote in any way ---
We wrote poems.
We wrote reflections.
We wrote journals…

June 5, 2004, Lunch Engagement
…The warm welcome and the inspirational talk of the teacher consultants gave me more appetite to write. Well, they also gave me a chance too to share a piece of my writing during the writing exercise. The food was superb! Looking forward for more J.

June 28, 2004, 1st Day Summer Institute
…It’s a wonderful feeling to know these great teachers that I am going to work with this summer. It’s surprising to know that we have a lot of things in common. Like me, most of them are accidental teachers too. I learned a lot from them…about their families…about what they do…and used to do. Most of all, I learned that in this world there are really no boundaries; only geographic partitions divide us all. We go through the same things, and are here this summer together in this Institute to share the same experiences.

June 29, 2004, Log Presentation
Today was another great day! I was the logger yesterday. It’s good that today they liked the activity I gave as part of my presentation about yesterday’ s minutes of the day, which I painstakingly did last night. Whew! More good food on the table, yum! I feasted every minute. Didn’t have to go out for lunch anymore.

June 30, 2004, My Birthday
…I have achieved something again today. I wrote a poem about my daughter, Maren Rae. I plan to include it in our anthology. Before lunch, I was touched by their thoughtful act of singing to me a birthday song while I blew my birthday candle. They gave me a birthday card with all their signatures and birthday wishes. They also offered me a basket of flowers with balloon. I felt like I really belong to this group. This is my first birthday here in the US. I am so glad to have spent it here at the DCWAP Summer Institute. Indeed, a happy birthday for me. J

July 1, 2004, 1st Socials: Folk Life Festival at the Mall
…The highlight of the festival was Haitian Culture, Latin music and Waterways. It looked like a program that brings together maritime workers and artisans to demonstrate their skills, share life stories, and celebrate the traditional ways of the region stretching from Long Island NY to the outer banks of North Carolina.

…On the way out, I got interested with their feature on the Haitian Culture. The sight was colorful and the sounds ethnic. There were demonstrations of traditional Haitian mask making and try-on costumes. It reminded me of carnival masquerades that I see only on TV. The music was ethnic and ritualistic, sounded like voodoo music to me.

July 6, 2004, Trip to the Holocaust Museum
The class went for a field trip to the Holocaust Museum. It was the first time that I really got a tour of the museum. It was the first time too that I got a bigger overview of the World War II. I never really understood what the Holocaust Era and the Nazi regime was all about, until now.

Throughout the tour I was having goose bumps. It never occurred to me that somebody could be as cruel and evil as Hitler. Anti-Christ. That is the exact word for him. I never understood why my husband’s grandparents migrated from Germany to the Philippines until now. My husband is half-German. Here’s the story…his grandfather who was the Consul (Labor Attaché) of the Philippines to Germany, married a pure blooded German. They migrated during the 1940s in a boat. I couldn’t imagine how they sailed from Germany to the Philippines, half the world, in a small boat. It was impossible, until I saw the pictures of the Holocaust. I was teary eyed while I was thinking about all these. The 18-hour plane ride from my country was exhausting, how unbearable was it to sail half of the world in a small boat?

Another scene was playing in my mind when I saw the “Death March” and the concentration camps – the Philippines under the Japanese regime. The exact thing happened to my country – Japanese soldiers to the Filipinos were like Nazis to the Jews. Filipinos were tortured and executed and was eventually liberated by the Americans with the atomic bombing of Hiroshima and Nagasaki in 1945.

I was feeling heavy and depressed all throughout the tour. Just seeing the artifacts and the pictures was unbearable. I don’t know how I could have survived the holocaust if I had lived during that era.

July 7, 2004, My Presentation Day
…My topic was about “Teaching Writing Through E-mail”, which was later decided to be changed to “Motivating Writing Through E-mail”. During my presentation I walked around very often to relax myself. Also, walking around is what I usually do inside the classroom to check on my students how they are doing. That actually lessened my nervousness. Thoughts just flowed while I was talking. And they were asking questions about the things I was going to discuss right after my introduction. I thought they were really interested. Some of them also helped me out, especially those who already have their own email accounts. Everyone was able to share their letters to their students too. The feedbacks were good and constructive which I could use to make my future presentations better.

July 14, 2004, “I Had to Write”
This morning’s journal exercise gave me a jumpstart to compile all my poems and manuscripts since I was in elementary…now I have a long term project. I may not be able to be a published writer but I will have a legacy to leave my children. I want it to be an inspiration for them. Could be something like: My Life Story, An Anthology. Coming up soon!

FUNSHINE

We are not made rich by what is in our pockets,
But by what is in our hearts.

-Anonymous-

Well, I believe I am an exemplary teacher.
If they would only see what school I founded and how I helped special children in the Philippines, I’m sure they would not think twice of getting me for this Summer Institute even though I am new in the system.

I call myself an accidental Special Educator, because it wasn’t my plan to be in this field. I finished BS Family Life and Child Development in the Philippine’s most prestigious University. My childhood dream was to become a doctor. And I was in medicine proper, in full scholarship, when I realized I was called for another profession.

I may have failed everybody but I did not fail myself, I am now in a better position. I am a proud Special Education Teacher. I don’t look after people’s physical health but their children’s mental health. I don’t dissect people’s brain but their minds. I don’t open people’s hearts but I am able to touch their hearts. I may be able to save their lives in a different way, and still I make a difference in their lives too.

Everything that my teachers told me in Elementary and High School was imbedded in my memory – the virtues, knowledge, values and principles. I owe everything that I am now to all the people who were around me, pushing me up. I am grateful to them most especially to the two most important people in my life – my parents and my teachers. Yesterday, they taught me how to aim for success. Now, as a teacher, is my time to shape tomorrow’s generation.
Indeed, God works in mysterious ways.

My exposure to Special Education at the Center for Developmental Intervention Foundation at the Philippine Children’s Medical Center has left me deeply encouraged to be with special children who are in need of time and affection.

I left a legacy in the Philippines – Funshine Preschool in Lagro QC and Funshine Special Ed Center in Fairview QC.

Funshine - “being bright while having fun”. That was our motto, which suggested a developmental philosophy of teaching students. The logo was a smiling bright sun, with eight rays. Why the sun? Why the sol? It came from my name, Marisol.

I miss how the parents and my students called me Teacher Sol.

I started the schools with just 4 tutorial students. The students grew to more than 50, with 8 employed teachers before I left the Philippines.

Since its inception summer of 1998, my schools has managed exceptional children who needed academic follow-up and advanced lessons from pre-school to high school, refreshment and review sessions for the next school year, as well as tutorial and therapy sessions for children who are exhibiting infantile autism, ADHD, language disorder, and learning disability.
A lot of entrepreneurs became instant millionaires because of this business of putting up a private school. There was the business but I was not earning from it. Why? I charged a very minimal tuition fee. Because the parents of my students would not be able to afford if I asked from them the prevailing rates for such services we offered.

I am not an entrepreneur. I am a teacher.

I founded this school when I was 23 years old, I had accomplished a lot for this Center until I left for the US at 29. Am I not an exemplary teacher?

I was still staring on the application form on the reception table.
What the heck! There was no harm in trying.
I took the announcement and the application form.
Immediately, when I got home, I filled it out and answered the two questions asked in the form. I sealed it with a kiss.

The next day, I mailed the application to the DC Area Writing Project Summer Institute hoping…just hoping…that they would notice my eagerness to join (I made it obvious in that form).

There was another announcement about the Festival of Writing, which I also mailed with the $5 registration fee. I am always interested in attending seminar-workshops like this even when I was still in the Philippines. Though some were really dragging, most of them quenched my thirst for knowledge about new strategies and techniques to better my teaching.

And I love the feeling of being around the experts in the field. Their mere presence is already motivating, their true experiences are as encouraging, they exude such positive aura, and they make me feel like an expert too.

I prayed.
I got accepted.

JUMPSTART

The road to success is rough; you have to pave it yourself.

- Arnold Glasow -

My first year of teaching has been a difficult initiation for me, most especially because I am teaching Junior High school Special Ed students here in Washington DC.

Back home, in a third world country, I often dreamed of using a better technology to aide me in teaching my special ed students. I was excited when I got here and saw 2 working computers in my classroom, which is already good for me, but not good enough if I am going to use them as an accessibility facility for my students.

Everyday, I was in constant search for ways on how to establish rapport with my challenging students, to get them to cooperate with me, and to engage them in the use of technology to maximize their potentials.

One day, while I was sitting at my computer desk after class; one of my students gave me her worksheet. She stood there reading aloud my friend’s email to me.
She couldn’t understand Tagalog.

I translated it for her.

She asked me if she could open her email from my computer.
I let her.
I asked her for her email address.
I wrote her a hello message that night.

The next morning she opened her email from my desk. She announced to the class,
“Hey! Miss Angala wrote me an email!”

That was the first time she got a personal message from a teacher.
From then on, I get emails from my students, from hello’s, to get well soon’s, to a weekend story, to goodbye’s. Some of them wrote me goodbye poems days before the end of the school year. One of their parents wrote me a thank you letter through email.

Even my husband who reads my email inbox from time to time was surprised.
He said, “I thought your students were mean to you?”
I said, “They were, but not anymore”.

As a new DCPS teacher, I attended monthly New Teacher’s Training program at Logan Training Center. While looking through the flyers on the reception table, I came across an announcement: “LOOKING FOR TEACHERS TO BECOME TEACHER LEADERS”.
They were not referring to me. I am a novice here.
I went on reading the announcement…“SUMMER INSTITUTE AT HOWARD UNIVERSITY FOR EXEMPLARY TEACHERS”. I would definitely grab this opportunity for a $3500 scholarship grant at Howard University Graduate School.

But there it goes again… “FOR EXEMPLARY TEACHERS”.

THE SPED TEACHER (Chapter 1)

One’s destination is never a place
but a new way of seeing things.

– Henry Miller –

Some experiences in life can be so traumatic when it does not turn out to be as expected. It can hit a person so hard that it can be traumatic. But some take it as a lesson learned and move on to be better persons after.

I was an Early Childhood Special Educator in the Philippines for almost 7 years. Probably one of the best, which could be the reason why I was directly hired by this school district where I am now from the Philippines to join the working force of Educators here in the US.

I was ecstatic when I got my petition papers from my school district and the Notice of Action from the Department of Justice of America. The realization of the “American Dream” and the thought of working with the American Educational System, where the Philippines pattern from their Educational System, is a big achievement for me.

I was expecting myself to be in a place or school like in feel-good movies that I watched such as “The Emperor’s Club”. They never showed the reality there. They just made me expect highly of American Schools.

I work in one of the best Middle Schools here in Washington DC and am very thankful for having supportive administrators and a school atmosphere and colleagues that challenge me to be the best neophyte teacher as I can be.

But what frustrates and saddens me is having students who do not value education. These are students who view education as more of a right than a privilege. I wasn’t expecting these students, whom Filipino students look up to, could be so cruel and disrespectful to teachers from a different cultural background. I was disillusioned. As much as I want to be as creative in my teaching styles and to establish rapport with them, they would never give me a chance. It weakens me.

Time will come when another teacher will replace me as a neophyte. Time will come when my students will see me as an authority figure in the halls of the schools. I believe that tough times never last but tough people do.

NATIONAL BOARD CERTIFICATION: Letting Go of the Box

I have finally bid my portfolio blue box goodbye this afternoon at 5:00 pm. My 8 year-old daughter took pictures of me on this momentous event in my life. ..

* Please see the right sidebar for more on my National Board Certification...

ADHD: Is your child's brain starving?

Lecture on how diet can contribute to ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) by Dr. Michael R. Lyon, MD. Shot at Mount Royal College, Calgary, Alberta.

Dr. Lyon - "As the director of a medical & research centre, I have explored a variety of potential treatments to improve brain function in children and adults, without the use of drugs like Ritalin. Although I believe there is promise in certain herbal medicines and in non-drug treatments such as biofeedback, I have seen the most profound improvements in learning and behaviour through an intelligently applied nutritional program."

Watch this VIDEO CLIP

CREDIT:Gordon McDowell runs a video blog at opensourcevideo.blogspot.com/, where he posts all of his open source video creations.

VIDEO CLIP: MATH trick

Comment from a viewer: I thought this video showed an interesting way to do multiplication. There are many ways to do a multiplication problem besides the old stand by and this is a good example of what one can discover if they put their minds to it. I wouldn t teach this strategy on a regular basis to my students, but it could be fun to see what my students could do with it. I imaging the problem would be quite time consuming with something more like 967 x 873. This may keep those overachievers busy for a while in class.

DIGGING DEEPER

Digging deeper meant confronting my past…with the help of my NWP group members writing became my therapy. I learned to make time stand still, to take a mental picture and capture the moment, to put words with images, and to create without fear.

– Beth Hammett, The Voice, Vol9 no2 ‘04

I had to write.

It was only now that I realized that I could already publish an anthology of my life story with all the manuscripts I have about my life. I kept a journal and wrote poems since I was a sweet provincial girl until I was in college. I already have a collection of diaries and poems just waiting to reunite with me. I was expressing myself more in poetry. I also kept a journal eversince I learned that it would be easy for me to recall events in my life if I write them. I could put them all together like a jigsaw puzzle to finish my lifetime project of creating a book about my life.

I always knew I was a writer.

In preschool I was writing verses, it was just a requirement. I was writing about my first infatuation, I used to believe it was just a passing hobby. In grade school I won third place in a Milo short story writing contest, I do not remember anymore what it was about. I was a contributor in our school newspaper; I thought it did not have any weight. But still I was writing. I remember just locking myself up in my room writing, drafting, editing, revising my poems. Poems about my ecstasy upon seeing someone I love, my sadness when my beloved grandfather passed away, my frustrations in life, my anger, my dreams…I had to transfer what I was going through onto the paper. I would not stop writing until I felt right again.

But I stopped writing.

I met someone whom I cannot write about because he was a writer. A potential excellent writer who thought I write cheesy stuff. I do not write fantasy stories like his because mine is reality based. His style is just not my cup of tea. The inspiration is everywhere but the courage left me. I wrote a poem for him on our wedding day. And I said it would be the last.

But I had to write.

When I was in the train this morning, I remember my darkest times - those days when my husband and I had to struggle in order to live…in a third world country…with a negative bank account…with no support from parents or any body. His mother disowned him, and my family was too far away from me. We were all alone, struggling to get through the day. We would dream of eating good food every night. I was pregnant. We were starving but we were happy just being together. I guess the fates of most young couples who elope are like that. We were longing for the blessing of our families and the church. I have this urge of writing that chapter of my life.

I also had to write about our best times. That was when after we really worked hard, we surpassed our trials, we disappointed those people who wished for us to fail. We made it! On our own. After four years we were living in a big, 4-bedroom, single detached house, with a maid 24 hours on call, with a flourishing business, every night we would eat out in expensive fancy restaurants, shop all we want. We can pay the bills now.

Like the sea, life is a cycle of high tide and low tide. I had to write about this new chapter of my life, a new struggle in a foreign land. And I had to capture every moment of my life. So I have a story to tell my children. I want to pass this on as a legacy to them. I want my story to be an inspiration to my children…and my children’s children…forever.

ASPERGER'S SYNDROME: Classroom Strategies

The programme for an individual pupil will need to be based on the assessments of the pupil's individual needs and developed by close collaboration of all those involved with the pupil. However, Basic strategies would include:

- Providing a very clear structure and a set daily routine (including for play). Ensuring the pupil knows the day's programme at the start of each day and can make frequent reference to this throughout the day, e.g. providing a 'picture board' with the day's activities 'laid out'. The child can move the activity 'picture' to the 'finished' section on the board before moving on to the next activity. Placing this board in a neutral ' area (i.e. area not linked with specific activities), creating a 'transition' area to enhance the understanding of finish and moving on to the next activity.
- Teaching what "finished" means and helping the pupil to identify when something has finished and something different has started.
- Providing warning of any impending change of routine, or switch of activity.
- Using clear and unambiguous language. Avoiding humour/irony, or phrases like "my feet are killing me or it's raining cats and dogs", which will cause bewilderment,
- Addressing the pupil individually at all times (for example, the pupil may not realise that an instruction given to the whole class also includes him/her. Calling the pupil's name and saying "I need you to listen to this as this is something for you to do" can sometimes work; other times the pupil will need to be addressed individually).
- Repeating instructions and checking understanding. Using short sentences to ensure clarity of instructions.
- Using various means of presentation - visual, physical guidance, peer modelling, etc.
- Ensuring consistency of expectation among all staff... and avoiding any 'backing-down' once a reasonable and manageable target has been set.
- Recognising that some change in manner or behaviour may reflect anxiety (which may be triggered by a [minor] change to routine).
- Not taking apparently rude or aggressive behaviour personally; and recognising that the target for the pupil's anger may be unrelated to the source of that anger.
- Specific teaching of social rules/skills, such as turn-taking and social distance.

- Minimising/removal of distractors, or providing access to an individual work area or booth, when a task involving concentration is set. Colourful wall displays can be distracting for some pupils, others may find noise very difficult to cope with.
- Seeking to link work to the pupil's particular interests.
- Exploring word-processing, and computer-based learning for literacy.
- Protecting the pupil from teasing at free times, and providing peers with some awareness of his/her particular needs.
- Allowing the pupil to avoid certain activities (such as sports and games) which s/he may not understand or like ; and supporting the pupil in open-ended and group tasks.
- Allowing some access to obsessive behaviour as a reward for positive efforts.

It is probable that these children will not take any advantage from counselling or from activities such as Circle Time. Instead, adults will need to constantly monitor the context to identify possible sources of uncertainty, peer-interaction problems, or other sources which could lead to stress for the pupil and consequent difficult behaviour. Once such possible sources are identified adults may be able to create changes in the context that diverts the potential difficulties (such as establishing an enhanced tolerance of the observed behaviours and style), or act as a 'mediator' to help resolve any problems.

Close liaison with parents and with other professionals (Educational Psychologist, Speech and language Therapist, Paediatrician) will need to be maintained. This will enable close monitoring of the pupil's progress in social and communication skills, and scholastic performance. It will also be important for sharing the process of interpreting behaviours and identifying triggers for negative or anxious episodes.

ASPERGER'S SYNDROME: Classroom Practices

Children whose needs are not at the severe end of the spectrum have been and can be successfully included within mainstream schools. This has been most successful where schools have been given opportunities to understand the implications of Asperger syndrome or autism for the child and have had the opportunity to explore strategies and interventions. There will need to be flexibility and a recognition that the child may need some approaches different to those used for the other children. Close working with parents is also essential, to ensure consistency and mutual support.

Classroom practice for children with autism or Asperger syndrome in mainstream school will need to take into account the following issues:

- the child's lack of generalisation of learning (every situation appears different to the child)
- the lack of incidental learning (everything needs to be directly taught)
- the literalness of understanding
- difficulties in becoming involved in group activities including play and games
- possible reactions to over-stimulation and the fact that this can easily occur in situations that other children cope well with
- observed behaviours which might be seen as simple naughtiness or non-compliance may in fact have a range of other meanings for the child with autism or Asperger syndrome (i.e. the observed 'naughty' or 'non-compliant' behaviour may in fact be the child's only way ... of indicating the need for help or attention, or the need to escape from stressful situations,... of obtaining desired objects, ... of demonstrating his/her lack of understanding, ... of protesting against unwanted events, ... of gaining stimulation).

Born on a Blue Day

A Memoir of Asperger's and an Extraordinary Mind

Daniel sees numbers as shapes, colours and textures and can perform extraordinary maths in his head. He can also learn to speak a language fluently from scratch in a week. He has Savant Syndrome, an extremely rare form of Asperger's that gives him almost unimaginable mental powers, much like the Rain Man portrayed by Dustin Hoffman.

Daniel has a compulsive need for order and routine - he eats exactly 45 grams of porridge for breakfast and cannot leave the house without counting the number of items of clothing he's wearing. If he gets stressed or unhappy he closes his eyes and counts. But in some ways Daniel is not at all like the Rain Man. He is virtually unique amongst people who have severe autistic disorders in being capable of living a fully independent life. It is his incredible self-awareness and ability to communicate what it feels like to live in a unique way that makes his story so powerful.

Touching as well as fascinating, Born On A Blue Day, explores what it's like to be special and in so doing gives us an insight into what makes us all human - our minds.

Stephen Hawking to experience weightlessness

Renowned astrophysicist Stephen Hawking listens to reporter's questions in this file photo.

CAPE CANAVERAL, Florida (AP) -- Renowned theoretical physicist Stephen Hawking, who wrote the best-selling book, "A Brief History of Time," soon will experience a brief history with weightlessness.

Hawking, who uses a wheelchair and is almost completely paralyzed by amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, or Lou Gehrig's disease, plans to go on a weightless flight on April 26, officials at the flight operator said Thursday.

The flight, operated by Zero Gravity Corp., a Fort Lauderdale, Florida-based space tourism and entertainment company, will take off and return to a landing strip at the Kennedy Space Center.
"As someone who has studied gravity and black holes all of my life, I am excited to experience firsthand weightlessness and a zero-gravity environment," Hawking said in a statement.

The modified Boeing 727 generally soars to 32,000 feet at a sharp angle and then plunges 8,000 feet so passengers can experience 25-second snippets of zero gravity during the descent. As the plane climbs, passengers experience 25 seconds of being pushed down hard, as they feel 1.8 times the normal pull of the Earth.

Zero Gravity CEO Peter Diamandis said assistants will be onboard to help Hawking.
"The key thing here is that weightless and personal spaceflight is something available to everyone, even someone like Professor Hawking," Diamandis told The Associated Press. "This something that almost everyone can now experience."

Zero Gravity will pick up the bill, which normally is $3,750. The company also plans to have two seats on the flight auctioned off by two charities.

The company began offering the flights in 2004.

Source: CNN News

The Extraordinary Abilities of an Autistic Savant

Researchers have found Daniel Tammet eloquent at describing what it's like to be autistic. (ABC News)

Englishman Can Visualize Complex Math, Learn Icelandic in Seven Days, But Had Difficulty Learning to Walk and Express Himself (video clip)

A genius explainsDaniel Tammet is an autistic savant. He can perform mind-boggling mathematical calculations at breakneck speeds. But unlike other savants, who can perform similar feats, Tammet can describe how he does it. He speaks seven languages and is even devising his own language. Now scientists are asking whether his exceptional abilities are the key to unlock the secrets of autism. He authors a book: "Born on a Blue Day".

June 11, 2005 — Daniel Tammet of England can verbally reel off the number pi to 22,500 decimal places in just over five hours — though he admitted after a recent demostration that it made him "very tired."

Tammet, 26, is a phenomenon. He has done lots of amazing things — like learning Icelandic, one of the world's most difficult languages, in just seven days.

That's because Tammet is an autistic savant. His extraordinary abilities stem from a combination of autism and a condition known as synesthesia. His form of autism, however, leaves him with less limited verbal skills than many other autistics.

Source: ABC News/ ABC video

Autistic savant

'Autistic savant' means a person with autism who has a special skill. 'Savant' comes from the French word for 'knowing' and means 'a learned person'. A person with this condition was once known as an 'idiot savant', since 'idiot' was an acceptable word for mental retardation in the late 19th century, when the phenomenon was first medically investigated. Around 10 per cent of people with autism show special or even remarkable skills. For example, a person with autism, who may be intellectually disabled in most ways, could have an exceptional memory for numbers.

Video clip

A range of savant abilities Around 10 per cent of people with autism show special or even remarkable skills. The skills range includes:

Splinter skills - the most common type. The person, like an obsessive hobbyist, commits certain things to memory, such as sports trivia.
Talented skills - the person has a more highly developed and specialised skill. For example, they may be artistic and paint beautiful pictures, or have a memory that allows them to work out difficult mathematical calculations in their head.
Prodigious skills - the rarest type. It is thought that there are only about 25 autistic savants in the world who show prodigious skills. These skills could include, for example, the ability to play an entire concerto on the piano after hearing it only once.

The brain's right hemisphere Autistic savant behaviour is so far unexplained. However, researchers think it might have something to do with the right hemisphere of the brain.

The brain is divided into two hemispheres, left and right, bridged by a thick band of nerve fibres called the corpus callosum. While left hemisphere skills are involved with symbolism and interpretation (such as understanding words and body language), the skills of the right hemisphere are much more concrete and direct (such as memory).

CT and MRI scans of the brains of autistic savants suggest that the right hemisphere is compensating for damage in the left hemisphere. It seems that the right hemisphere of an autistic savant focuses its attention on one of the five senses - for example, if it concentrates on hearing, then the autistic savant may have a special skill in music. Research is ongoing.

VIDEO CLIP: Rubix Cube Whiz

Can this 6-year-old really solve the Rubiks Cube under 38 seconds?

Comment from a viewer:
Well some people think that it was a scam and it was reversed. I can t see it being palyed back when at the end he droppes the cube. my question is if it was palyed reverse how did the cube get into his hands? is it possible that the rubix cube jumped into his hands and then he messed the cube up to make it look real. I say give this kid credit if he really did solve it in 37.89 sec. then good for him.