Tuesday, March 27, 2007


Together we will conquer dreams
We’ll seek for answers;
Our minds wedded;
Seeker-dreamer, dreamer-seeker, one
In time, in space united;
Complete at last, we’ll wander, seek, and dream

- Carmen Subryan-

I did not want to be pregnant. I was scared. This was not planned. In fact, I was on the pill trying to prevent this.

This was not supposed to happen. Reiner was not shy about the fact that he was not ready for this responsibility. He has a long way to go with his undergraduate degree. Coming from his mother, he couldn’t stand on his own feet. He always said, “Someday I will be ready.” How would I tell him I got pregnant sooner than expected? I needed so much support from him right at that moment. I was sure he would be disappointed and I did not want to face that. I just wanted to hide, go home to the province, and have it all go away. Despite my “flight” instincts, I had to tell him, I had to tell him soon.

I was in deep thought for so long that I did not notice that Tey and Mae already left for school. The feeling of being alone in the quiet room was deafening.

Then, there was a knock on the door. I got up and opened the door.

It was Reiner. I called him from that small convenience store by the gate before I got back in the boarding house this morning. A celphone and landline was a luxury during that time in my life that I couldn’t afford it. I needed Reiner to comfort me. I told him I wasn’t feeling well and I almost fainted that morning at the stairs of the overpass.

“I think I need to take a pregnancy test.” (I intentionally left out that I had already taken an at-home test earlier). “ I might be pregnant”.
He answered as though he had this rehearsed. Completely calm and collected he said, “ You can take as many as you want as long as they are negative.”
I was stunned and angry at how insensitive he was behaving. I began to think I read the tests wrong. I thought if I took one more test, it would sink in for both of us.
He went out and bought another test kit.

My final at-home test was a familiar brand. Two pink lines if you’re pregnant, one pink line if you’re not. How much simpler could this be. Reiner stood with me in the bathroom as we waited for the three most important minutes of our future to come down to one or two pink lines. For about two and a half minutes there was a line.

He cheered, “ I told you it would be negative, I knew it.”
No sooner than he finished his thought, another line came out.
I could not believe it. The most unmistakable test still could not give us an answer.
At that moment everything that was happening for these past days dawned to me.
I told him the strong possibility that I was pregnant. “I had every sign; sore breasts, frequent urination, a constant car sick feeling. My body was making a baby.”

And my dear boyfriend looked very bewildered and not too happy. He suggested abortion. I had the instinct of slapping him right on his face. But then I thought better. With strong conviction I told him I would never ever do that hideous thing, I was going home to the province and would never show up again.

He embraced me. I was so scared. His arms didn’t make me feel any better.
I never felt so alone in my whole life.

“ You need a check-up, we’re going to Auntie Mely. She’s Pop’s first cousin and a very good OB-GYN”.
Not a good idea for me. I was thinking of what his family would say about me, about us.

We scheduled an appointment the next day with another physician recommended by my friend, who also established a positive result. She clarified that there were no more doubts. We were definitely having a baby. Regardless of whether or not this was the perfect time, the baby was already in progress.

In the jeepney, on our way home, he held my hand and whispered, “OK sweetie, we’re going to keep the baby”.

That was when this accidental fetus became a baby for us. It was when we realized that this was not an accident at all. Somebody had this blessing planned for us.

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